It’s getting near the end of the summer holidays now. For a lot of people, they go back to school next week – 3rd September, but for my kids and a lot of schools in this area, they go back the following week – 7th September. This is odd as I don’t remember the last time kids went back to school on a Monday. This year is going to be completely different though. My son is in his 3rd school, his first was the one that he broke both of his wrists so we moved him out of there and moved him into his second primary school. He was there from part way through year 4 and through year 5 and then was statemented and sent to a special needs school. When he changed from year 6 to year seven, the change was the colour of jumper – navy to black. His school tries to make the transition as easy as possible as children with autism, aspergers and other ASD’s (Autistic Spectrum Disorders) don’t cope very well with change. The other major change was to change from all lessons in one class to moving between classes. My daughter is also about to go into her third school – she moved schools when we moved from Hawkinge to Cheriton. This time she is going into secondary school – high chool – big school – whatever you want to call it. This is a major change for all of us. My son’s transition was simple – change jumper. This time it’s change complete uniform and go from 58 children in her year to over 200. Also going from a school that is just down the road to one that is across town.
I am scared shitless about her going to this school. I know she’ll do well, but she is my youngest and she’s going to secondary. She is a lot more confident than she was in her first school, and she has a lot more friends. Some friends children in Leicester also helped with her confidence. Next week we are going to do shoe shopping and trouser shopping. We have the uniform for her apart from the trousers. Have the PE kit, have the pencil case with stuff in it, and she is really looking forward to going. I’m the one who’s quivering. I suppose it doesn’t help that my memories of secondary school were anything but good. I know she’ll do well, I have faith in her.
Haven’t done this bit for a while …
Although circumstances beyond your control could give you reason to fret today, you should be able to handle the emotional tension and even channel it to increase your productivity. A powerful adversary may be surprised by your ability to maintain your composure under fire. But your goal isn’t to impress anyone; it’s simply to survive, and even thrive, in the current storm.
The only adversary I know of at the moment is myself. Will see what happens. 
I knew from about a week ago that today was not going to be an easy day. When I woke I was just going to try and focus on going to see my friend and seeing the counsellor. Today was the perfect day for seeing her. I spent a lot of the time with a lump in my throat and trying to keep my composure. It would not be good for my kids to see me lose the plot. Today of all days I did not want to be alone. I went to see my friend and chatted with her for a little while then left my kids with her while I went to see the counsellor. I must say that I managed to hold it together with the counsellor which does surprise me.
I went back to my friends for a couple of hours then took the kids home. Got a call from their mother to let me know that she would be up about 6 to pick them up. I did my daughter’s fingernails for her and then unplugged my son’s gamecube so he could take it with him. Then the kids’ mother came in and I just couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t tell you what she was wearing because I didn’t focus. I made her a coffee while the kids got the rest of their clothes to take to hers and work out what they were going to do so as they could work out what to take.
After they all left, I came back in and the TV was still on Kiss which is what my son was watching and it was “I am Eminem” on. The house seemed so empty. Worse than normal, and the lump in my throat just grew. I sat down just as Toy Soldiers came on. I don’t know if it was Makita, if it was the mix of Eminem and Makita, or if it was the video, but I just couldn’t stop crying. It has been a year since she told me she was leaving, and this nightmare still isn’t over. Today would have been my wedding anniversary and I have tried to hide how I am feeling all day, but I can’t hide it from myself.
Can I go home now? I’ve had enough of the real world. It’s big and nasty and I don’t like it.
Yesterday – 13th August, we went to London. We being myself, my son, my daughter, my sister and her two boys.
After an early rise, we caught the 09:02 bus from outside our house and had to go and get the spending money from the bank. Met my sister and her two boys at the train station at 09:40 and went and had a coffee (or tea in her case) in the cafe before catching the 10:01 train to Charing Cross. We got into London at about 11:32 and walked across the Hungerford Footbridge. Looking up, the kids saw the full height of the London Eye. Two of them got a little nervous. Well, one got a little nervous briefly and my daughter was very nervous. After getting the tickets we went into the new 4D experience which was brilliant. Then we went to get on the London Eye. After quite a wait, we went on at 12:45. My daughter sat in the middle terrified at first, and then she realised it was safe and stood by the window looking out at the magnificent views. She even looked straight down when we were at the top. All of the kids loved the ride. We finished it at at 1:15 then went to the quay to get a boat. This was one of the most annoying parts of the day because it was so busy. We had to wait well over half an hour for our boat.
When we did get a boat, it was an old looking boat and one of the workers on the boat pointed out some of the buildings along the journey. He also pointed out that the boat was a Dunkirque Flyer. It helped in the second world war to ferry the troops from Dunkirue to England. They pointed out Billinsgate Fish Market, London Bridge (the new one 
), St Paul’s Cathedral, HMS Belfast, Somerset House – which used to hold all of the records for births deaths and marriages, but is now the tax office. There was the Globe Theatre – or a replica of it where they still put on Shakespeare’s plays. It was also in an episode of Dr Who. The boat journey took about half an hour.
We got off at Tower Bridge and went into the Tower of London where we had dinner. After looking around the Tower of Torture we went into the Jewel Tower where we saw the Crown Jewels. WOW were they spectacular! The vault doors are extremely thick, but unfortunately photos were not allowed. We went to the shop afterwards and the kids were looking for the most expensive piece of jewellery. There was fabergé eggs for over £1000, there was rings, earrings, necklaces in one cabinet going up to £4990. But the two most expensive pieces were in their own cabinet. A ring for £14,000 and a necklace for £65000.
We had a boat journey coming back. This one was a more modern one. Again, the pilot or one or one of the workers was pointed out some of the buildings. Like the Swiss Re building. Which is also called the gherkin, the Ann Summers building or the dildo due to it’s shape.We got off the boat at Westminster and walked along the Embankment back to Charing Cross where we caughter the 19:24 train back to Folkestone and got in a bit after 21:30.
It was a great day, thanks sis.
This is the first of two postings that I am putting up today. The next post is about my day out yesterday.
These next few days are not going to be very good for me. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. It was this time last year that Talishia met Dave and changed my life completely in a bad way. I know she had a good reason to leave me, I know I was never the perfect husband, I know I could (can) be an arsehole, I know I am not a good person to be around, but it would have been nice to sit down and talk.I get told to put the past behind me, but when it is such a destructive change, it is difficult to put it behind me. Maybe when the divivorce is finalised, then I can put everything behind me. I have done some stupid things since she left me as well. Mainly due to me becoming self-destructive but I hurt some good friends along the way. I am surprised at the amount of people who have wanted to carry on talking to me after I deactivated my facebook account. Although most people don’t know the real me, or they wouldn’t still be trying to talk to me. I am grateful to the people who have remained.
Had a day out today with my sister, my two kids and her youngest. We weren’t sure at first if we were going to go to just one castle or two, as yesterday Walmer Castle had a power failure and their website said that it was closed until further notice. So we started the trip heading to Deal Castle. I tried calling Walmer on the way but there was no answer.
My journey started from the bus outside my house (well – about 30 metres away) at 08:30am which got into Folkestone at 08:50. Caught the 09.05 bus from Folkestone and picked my sister up in Hawkinge at 09:25. Got back on the same bus (good timing) and got into Canterbury at 09:45. Then it was a dash to the toilets before heading back to the bus station. The next bus was at 10:25 which got us to Deal at 11:20 and we had a short walk round the corner for an ice cream and then into Deal Castle. 3 hours after leaving home.
We had a fun looking around, and although my sister and I listened to the free audio tour, it bored the kids so they had a look in the holes and nooks and crannies while we pointed out what things were and why there were windows were at the bottom of the moat. It was my first time at Deal Castle and if you think houses are thrown together now, they built Walmer Castle, Deal Castle and Sandown Castle in under two years!!
After spending time at Deal Castle, we walked halfway to Walmer Castle and stopped at a cafe to have lunch. Then we finished the walk to Walmer and really enjoyed the time around the castle and the grounds. The kids were fascinated (well my daughter was) by the death mask of the Duke of Wellington. We settled down to relax and rest for a while in the gardens and admire the beauty of the place.
The kids are using a pump at Deal Castle, then the view of Walmer Castle from the grounds.
When we came back, because of how late it was, I decided to get a taxi back from Folkestone to home, as I think the kids had walked enough and I was already starting to hurt. Kids didn’t argue about bed time, but did aske to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Wonder if they’ll make it all the way to the end or fall asleep part way through.
Next week we are going to London together – we’ll be taking my sister’s other son as well as he’ll be back from his camping.
My son is off the hook. With everything that has been going on with him in the last couple of months, he is now able to enjoy his summer holiday with out any worries. I know that seems cryptic, but those who know me will know what I mean as I can’t go into detail.
My divorce has been postponed slightly. The solicitor forgot to tell me not to date the letter that she sent me for the Decree Absolute, so I have had to do another one of those. She sent it to me the day before it was supposed to be sent to the judge which means that my letter from the DSS was out of date as it has to be within one month of the date on the letter so that I can get my financial assistance and not pay for the divorce. I am hoping that it will be through within 2 weeks. KNowing my luck though it will come through on the 18th August – what would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.
These last 12 months have been hell for me. I have made some new friends who have supported me through this, and without them, I wouldn’t be here now. I want to thank my 2 friends in Leicester, my friend in Oxford, one in Cumbria, one in north Kent and a couple of friends in Folkestone who have been at my side in a manner of speaking through this hell and not left me even when it would have been easier for them to walk away than to stay. I know I have been a complete shit at times, and done some stuff that I shouldn’t have done. It would be easy to blame other people for the situation, but I know for the most part it has been my own doing – after all, if I had not been in the picture it wouldn’t have happened. This is almost behind me now. I am near enough back in control of my life and ready to move forward once the divorce is over. I have a new book that was suggested to me by a friend in Hemel (soon to be in Ireland) called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers which is sort of a self help book that I am hoping will also help me. I’m not going to say that the next twelve months can’t possibly be any worse, as I said that in December and they did get worse. But I’m looking at the next 12 months with optimism.
I have been keeping an eye on my horoscope of the last week or so and oddly some of it has been quite accurate. Talking about secrets that I can’t tell. Thursday’s one said that I would have some life changing news – and I got a call about my son. A few days ago it said that I would be wise to not look for love at the moment (too true on that one). At least I have reasons to smile now and who knows – maybe facebook will be back on within the month.
Horoscope: Sensual Venus in your sign can amplify your desires, yet her current opposition to secretive Pluto could make it tough for you to share what’s on your mind. You might feel as if you are trapped now and cannot find a path to satisfaction. Don’t give up; keeping your needs hidden is a mistake, but blaming someone else for your current difficulty is even worse. Speaking from your heart and taking full responsibility for your own emotions can open the right door at the right time.
Hmmm, maybe I should have read that before writing the blog.
THANK YOU MY FRIENDS
I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had gone up north to see my friends again. It was such a vivid dream. It felt so real. I was staying in the hotel that I had stayed in 3 times before. I got on the bus from St Margaret’s bus station and went over to see one of them, and the other friend turned up while I was there. It was a great day with the kids running in and out. Then when I woke up and realised it was just a dream, I just lay in bed crying. 
Same as I am while writing this. I want to get that friendship back, and I hope I can.
Horoscope:
Overcoming your self-doubt can be hard work for you, but today your brilliance can outshine any negativity. However, you can get into trouble if you lose sight of the impact your presence has on others. You may be able to talk yourself out of your insecurity, but then you could come on so strong that you overstep someone’s boundaries. A moderate approach that avoids extremes will work best for you now.
Had counselling yesterday – 21st July. Took the kids with me because there was no one else who could have them at the time. They stayed in the waiting room with a DS each while I went into the other room with my counsellor. Was difficult this week. Hoping that it’s going to improve over the next few weeks.
Dropped my phone again yesterday and have just ordered a new screen for it. Why didn’t I take out the accidental damage cover when I brought it?? Grrrr. Too late now tho. My daughter has said that I can borrow her phone until my one gets fixed, which was really nice of her.
Last 2 nights I have fallen asleep on the sofa. Tuesday morning my son came down and found me asleep, and last night I woke up 3am and decided to go to bed. Both times I had been watching 24 season 3. I think I should start watching them earlier in the evening rather than about 11pm.
Lost my internet AGAIN last night for hours. I really need to change providers. Waiting for my MAC from AOL, so that I can change. I have been having a shop around to see what I can get. BT offer my postcode up to 3mbps (megabits per second) where the average in the country is 5. I did a telephone number test and it said that I could only get 0.5mbps which is slightly faster than dial up, anmd I know I am getting faster than that. I have done a speed test:
This shows that I am getting a download of 2.28 megabits per second. So what do I do? Do I go for BT and hope that they can give me my 3mbps connection and get a wireless dongle for hotspots across the country so I can connect where I want to for free. Or do I go for Virgin Media where I get fibre optic broadband of up to 10mbps which is really fast – but no dongle. Arrrggghhhhh why isn’t anything easy?
My daughter had her leaver’s assembly on Friday morning, and I went to it. Was very moving. They had a slide show of all the year 6 kids through the years, and although my daughter has only been at the school for 2 years, the change they made in her was worth every day of it. They had a picture of her climbing through some tire rollers on their residential trip, and the head mistress said that she was very proud of my daughter because she would not give up until she was through the rollers. On Saturday morning, I took the children to get their ears pierced as a birthday present from their mum. My son happily had his ear pierced, but my daughter freaked out at the needle No matter how much we tried to convince her that it would be okay and it wouldn’t hurt, her memory of the last time she had it done got the better of her and she couldn’t go through with it.
……
Most people will know that I have not been having a great time of it recently. I did something that may well have cost me a very good friend, and that hurts like hell. I’m hopimg that when I get my life back on track that she can forgive me.
The problem with counselling is that it is a week between sessions, and now I really don’t like bugging other people with my problems. This was one of the reasons that put me in this situation in the first place, and I want out of it. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that we should have no regrets. Well, that’s not the case here. I have regrets, and if this all happened for a reason, it had better be a bloody good reason. I’m not going to say that I have had no control over what I did, because everybody has control, and everybody has the power to say no, even if saying no is one of the hardest things and you know that it is going to leave you in mental pain. Saying yes may seem like the right thing to do at the time, but look at the big picture – how much damage will saying yes do? In this case – a lot. The aftermath has been something akin to a nuke going off.
……
I will say, that when one of my friends spoke to me yesterday, it made me so happy. It meant a lot that she would speak to me. I actually slept better last night after we chatted on MSN, so thank you.
Counselling tomorrow. See what happens from that.
My daughter had her prom last night, and I must say, she looked fantastic. I was going to take her down at 6.30, but when I went outside one of her school friends was there with her mum to pick up a neighbour’s kid, so she offered to take my daughter down as well, and bring her back afterwards. That saved hers and my legs. A friend who is a professional hairdresser came and did her hair for her, and her sister did the make-up. I was the proudest dad possible last night. When my daughter got home, she said that she had had a great time, so that was brilliant.
I posted a tweet last night that I thought that there was a storm coming. Boy was it good. It was overhead and the light display was incredible. It lasted for a good 2 hours, and I did video some of it. Sad I know, and all I’ll probably do with them is delete them. I would upload them but they do seem rather large and wouldn’t be interesting.
Horoscope:
Your intuition may lead you into unfamiliar territory today where unexpected events can further complicate your life. Although you are intrigued by the mystery of how everything in your life fits together now, you still must stay focused on the specific tasks at hand. Rely on your common sense to bring you back to reality so you can get your work done in time.
Oooh my life is going to get complicated! How interesting.
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