It’s been a while since I blogged last, and boy have things changed. I think if it was possible, I would be swinging by the chandeliers at the moment. My last blog was very depressive – as have most of them for a while now, but things have happened because of the Angel reading that I did myself in October. One of the cards I got was “Michael’s Sword” and the meaning of it was that I was to picture a sword and cut ties between myself and someone that was hurting me mentally. I did that and it felt like a huge release. Allowed me to see things that had been there for a while but I was too blind to see.

When I went offline in July, I left a message on Facebook that if anyone wanted to stay in contact then they should let me have their MSN address. Almost as soon as I had posted this, I got a message from one person giving me their address so I added her to MSN. I had started talking to her originally on a friends page when we started to comment to each other on spousal abuse and the fact that both men and women suffer from it and it is unacceptable in any form whether it is mental or physical. After deactivating my account, this woman started talking to me nearly every day on MSN. She seemed to relate to my problems almost straight away, understanding where I was coming from and knowing what to say to help me out of the down times I was having.

Then I started getting texts off of her in the mornings saying “good morning”. I dismissed them at first as being sent to the wrong person. I started getting them regularly, and when I didn’t get one for a few days, I was really disappointed which did surprise me. We started texting more – talking on MSN, even when she had no internet connection. At one point through this, I hit an all time low, and there were two people who were there for me at all times. But this second one would text me when I needed it.

Then something very odd happened. She told me that someone had asked her out, and I was gutted. I kept trying to tell myself that she was too far out of the way for me anyway. Didn’t matter the fact that I had grown to like her. A lot. I was trying to tell myself that she was better off with this other person as he was closer to her. Over then next week or so, I tried to make my feelings known to her, but the answers I got weren’t straight yes or no answers so I didn’t know what she was saying. Then she started asking me similar questions, but I didn’t know what she was getting at, so I didn’t answer with yes or no. I was answering with questions.  Then at 3am on 1st November she asked me a question that could only be answered with a yes or a no. So I answered with a yes and found out that she had been wanting to say something for as long as I had. But we were both too scared to say anything.

I have seen her once so far, and I’m going back next Sunday to spend another three days with her. Liz is extremely special to me, and my kids like her, and her kids like me. Watch this space for more information.  Can’t wait to see her again. my heart skips beats just thinking about her. Love you baby. xxxx

It’s getting near the end of the summer holidays now. For a lot of people, they go back to school next week – 3rd September, but for my kids and a lot of schools in this area, they go back the following week – 7th September. This is odd as I don’t remember the last time kids went back to school on a Monday. This year is going to be completely different though. My son is in his 3rd school, his first was the one that he broke both of his wrists so we moved him out of there and moved him into his second primary school. He was there from part way through year 4 and through year 5 and then was statemented and sent to a special needs school. When he changed from year 6 to year seven, the change was the colour of jumper – navy to black. His school tries to make the transition as easy as possible as children with autism, aspergers and other ASD’s (Autistic Spectrum Disorders) don’t cope very well with change. The other major change was to change from all lessons in one class to moving between classes. My daughter is also about to go into her third school – she moved schools when we moved from Hawkinge to Cheriton. This time she is going into secondary school – high chool – big school – whatever you want to call it.  This is a major change for all of us. My son’s transition was simple – change jumper. This time it’s change complete uniform and go from 58 children in her year to over 200. Also going from a school that is just down the road to one that is across town.

I am scared shitless about her going to this school. I know she’ll do well, but she is my youngest and she’s going to secondary. She is a lot more confident than she was in her first school, and she has a lot more friends. Some friends children in Leicester also helped with her confidence. Next week we are going to do shoe shopping and trouser shopping. We have the uniform for her apart from the trousers. Have the PE kit, have the pencil case with stuff in it, and she is really looking forward to going. I’m the one who’s quivering. I suppose it doesn’t help that my memories of secondary school were anything but good. I know she’ll do well, I have faith in her.

Haven’t done this bit for a while …

Although circumstances beyond your control could give you reason to fret today, you should be able to handle the emotional tension and even channel it to increase your productivity. A powerful adversary may be surprised by your ability to maintain your composure under fire. But your goal isn’t to impress anyone; it’s simply to survive, and even thrive, in the current storm.

The only adversary I know of at the moment is myself. Will see what happens.

Yesterday – 13th August, we went to London. We being myself, my son, my daughter, my sister and her two boys.

After an early rise, we caught the 09:02 bus from outside our house and had to go and get the spending money from the bank. Met my sister and her two boys at the train station at 09:40 and went and had a coffee (or tea in her case) in the cafe before catching the 10:01 train to Charing Cross. We got into London at about 11:32 and walked across the Hungerford Footbridge. Looking up, the kids saw the full height of the London Eye. Two of them got a little nervous. Well, one got a little nervous briefly and my daughter was very nervous. After getting the tickets we went into the new 4D experience which was brilliant. Then we went to get on the London Eye. After quite a wait, we went on at 12:45. My daughter sat in the middle terrified at first, and then she realised it was safe and stood by the window looking out at the magnificent views. She even looked straight down when we were at the top. All of the kids loved the ride. We finished it at at 1:15 then went to the quay to get a boat. This was one of the most annoying parts of the day because it was so busy. We had to wait well over half an hour for our boat.

When we did get a boat, it was an old looking boat and one of the workers on the boat pointed out some of the buildings along the journey. He also pointed out that the boat was a Dunkirque Flyer. It helped in the second world war to ferry the troops from Dunkirue to England. They pointed out Billinsgate Fish Market, London Bridge (the new one ), St Paul’s Cathedral, HMS Belfast, Somerset House – which used to hold all of the records for births deaths and marriages, but is now the tax office. There was the Globe Theatre – or a replica of it where they still put on Shakespeare’s plays. It was also in an episode of Dr Who.  The boat journey took about half an hour.

We got off at Tower Bridge and went into the Tower of London where we had dinner. After looking around the Tower of Torture we went into the Jewel Tower where we saw the Crown Jewels. WOW were they spectacular! The vault doors are extremely thick, but unfortunately photos were not allowed. We went to the shop afterwards and the kids were looking for the most expensive piece of jewellery. There was fabergé eggs for over £1000, there was rings, earrings, necklaces in one cabinet going up to £4990. But the two most expensive pieces were in their own cabinet. A ring for £14,000 and a necklace for £65000.

We had a boat journey coming back. This one was a more modern one. Again, the pilot or one or one of the workers was pointed out some of the buildings. Like the Swiss Re building. Which is also called the gherkin, the Ann Summers building or the dildo due to it’s shape.We got off the boat at Westminster and walked along the Embankment back to Charing Cross where we caughter the 19:24 train back to Folkestone and got in a bit after 21:30.

It was a great day, thanks sis.

Had a day out today with my sister, my two kids and her youngest. We weren’t sure at first if we were going to go to just one castle or two, as yesterday Walmer Castle had a power failure and their website said that it was closed until further notice. So we started the trip heading to Deal Castle. I tried calling Walmer on the way but there was no answer.

My journey started from the bus outside my house (well – about 30 metres away) at 08:30am which got into Folkestone at 08:50. Caught the 09.05 bus from Folkestone and picked my sister up in Hawkinge at 09:25. Got back on the same bus (good timing) and got into Canterbury at 09:45. Then it was a dash to the toilets before heading back to the bus station. The next bus was at 10:25 which got us to Deal at 11:20 and we had a short walk round the corner for an ice cream and then into Deal Castle. 3 hours after leaving home.

We had a fun looking around, and although my sister and I listened to the free audio tour, it bored the kids so they had a look in the holes and nooks and crannies while we pointed out what things were and why there were windows were at the bottom of the moat. It was my first time at Deal Castle and if you think houses are thrown together now, they built Walmer Castle, Deal Castle and Sandown Castle in under two years!!

After spending time at Deal Castle, we walked halfway to Walmer Castle and stopped at a cafe to have lunch. Then we finished the walk to Walmer and really enjoyed the time around the castle and the grounds. The kids were fascinated (well my daughter was) by the death mask of the Duke of Wellington. We settled down to relax and rest for a while in the gardens and admire the beauty of the place.

The kids are using a pump at Deal Castle, then the view of Walmer Castle from the grounds.

When we came back, because of how late it was, I decided to get a taxi back from Folkestone to home, as I think the kids had walked enough and I was already starting to hurt. Kids didn’t argue about bed time, but did aske to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Wonder if they’ll make it all the way to the end or fall asleep part way through.

Next week we are going to London together – we’ll be taking my sister’s other son as well as he’ll be back from his camping.

Posted in Days out, family, Kids, Life ]]> http://mondrak.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/day-out/feed/ 2 mondrak http://mondrak.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/divorce-and-stuff/ http://mondrak.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/divorce-and-stuff/#comments Sat, 01 Aug 2009 11:11:34 +0000 mondrak http://mondrak.wordpress.com/?p=146 ]]>

My son is off the hook. With everything that has been going on with him in the last couple of months, he is now able to enjoy his summer holiday with out any worries. I know that seems cryptic, but those who know me will know what I mean as I can’t go into detail.

My divorce has been postponed slightly. The solicitor forgot to tell me not to date the letter that she sent me for the Decree Absolute, so I have had to do another one of those. She sent it to me the day before it was supposed to be sent to the judge which means that my letter from the DSS was out of date as it has to be within one month of the date on the letter so that I can get my financial assistance and not pay for the divorce. I am hoping that it will be through within 2 weeks. KNowing my luck though it will come through on the 18th August – what would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.

These last 12 months have been hell for me. I have made some new friends who have supported me through this, and without them, I wouldn’t be here now. I want to thank my 2 friends in Leicester, my friend in Oxford, one in Cumbria, one in north Kent and a couple of friends in Folkestone who have been at my side in a manner of speaking through this hell and not left me even when it would have been easier for them to walk away than to stay. I know I have been a complete shit at times, and done some stuff that I shouldn’t have done. It would be easy to  blame other people for the situation, but I know for the most part it has been my own doing – after all, if I had not been in the picture it wouldn’t have happened. This is almost behind me now. I am near enough back in control of my life and ready to move forward once the divorce is over. I have a new book that was suggested to me by a friend in Hemel (soon to be in Ireland) called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers which is sort of a self help book that I am hoping will also help me. I’m not going to say that the next twelve months can’t possibly be any worse, as I said that in December and they did get worse. But I’m looking at the next 12 months with optimism.

I have been keeping an eye on my horoscope of the last week or so and oddly some of it has been quite accurate. Talking about secrets that I can’t tell. Thursday’s one said that I would have some life changing news – and I got a call about my son. A few days ago it said that I would be wise to not look for love at the moment (too true on that one). At least I have reasons to smile now and who knows – maybe facebook will be back on within the month.

Horoscope: Sensual Venus in your sign can amplify your desires, yet her current opposition to secretive Pluto could make it tough for you to share what’s on your mind. You might feel as if you are trapped now and cannot find a path to satisfaction. Don’t give up; keeping your needs hidden is a mistake, but blaming someone else for your current difficulty is even worse. Speaking from your heart and taking full responsibility for your own emotions can open the right door at the right time.

Hmmm, maybe I should have read that before writing the blog.

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had gone up north to see my friends again. It was such a vivid dream. It felt so real. I was staying in the hotel that I had stayed in 3 times before. I got on the bus from St Margaret’s bus station and went over to see one of them, and the other friend turned up while I was there. It was a great day with the kids running in and out. Then when I woke up and realised it was just a dream, I just lay in bed crying. Same as I am while writing this. I want to get that friendship back, and I hope I can.

Horoscope:

Overcoming your self-doubt can be hard work for you, but today your brilliance can outshine any negativity. However, you can get into trouble if you lose sight of the impact your presence has on others. You may be able to talk yourself out of your insecurity, but then you could come on so strong that you overstep someone’s boundaries. A moderate approach that avoids extremes will work best for you now.

My daughter had her leaver’s assembly on Friday morning, and I went to it. Was very moving. They had a slide show of all the year 6 kids through the years, and although my daughter has only been at the school for 2 years, the change they made in her was worth every day of it. They had a picture of her climbing through some tire rollers on their residential trip, and the head mistress said that she was very proud of my daughter because she would not give up until she was through the rollers. On Saturday morning, I took the children to get their ears pierced as a birthday present from their mum. My son happily had his ear pierced, but my daughter freaked out at the needle No matter how much we tried to convince her that it would be okay and it wouldn’t hurt, her memory of the last time she had it done got the better of her and she couldn’t go through with it.

……

Most people will know that I have not been having a great time of it recently. I did something that may well have cost me a very good friend, and that hurts like hell. I’m hopimg that when I get my life back on track that she can forgive me.

The problem with counselling is that it is a week between sessions, and now I really don’t like bugging other people with my problems. This was one of the reasons that put me in this situation in the first place, and I want out of it. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that we should have no regrets. Well, that’s not the case here. I have regrets, and if this all happened for a reason, it had better be a bloody good reason. I’m not going to say that I have had no control over what I did, because everybody has control, and everybody has the power to say no, even if saying no is one of the hardest things and you know that it is going to leave you in mental pain. Saying yes may seem like the right thing to do at the time, but look at the big picture – how much damage will saying yes do? In this case – a lot. The aftermath has been something akin to a nuke going off.

……

I will say, that when one of my friends spoke to me yesterday, it made me so happy. It meant a lot that she would speak to me. I actually slept better last night after we chatted on MSN, so thank you.

Counselling tomorrow. See what happens from that.

My daughter had her prom last night, and I must say, she looked fantastic.  I was going to take her down at 6.30, but when I went outside one of her school friends was there with her mum to pick up a neighbour’s kid, so she offered to take my daughter down as well, and bring her back afterwards. That saved hers and my legs. A friend who is a professional hairdresser came and did her hair for her, and her sister did the make-up. I was the proudest dad possible last night. When my daughter got home, she said that she had had a great time, so that was brilliant.

I posted a tweet last night that I thought that there was a storm coming. Boy was it good. It was overhead and the light display was incredible. It lasted for a good 2 hours, and I did video some of it. Sad I know, and all I’ll probably do with them is delete them. I would upload them but they do seem rather large and wouldn’t be interesting.

Horoscope:

Your intuition may lead you into unfamiliar territory today where unexpected events can further complicate your life. Although you are intrigued by the mystery of how everything in your life fits together now, you still must stay focused on the specific tasks at hand. Rely on your common sense to bring you back to reality so you can get your work done in time.

Oooh my life is going to get complicated! How interesting.

Woke up this morning with stomach cramps at about 6. Took about half hour to subside then I dozed off back to sleep again seeing as I didn’t have the kids. I get them back tonight. Got up about 7.30 so that I could say hi to them before they wemt to school.

Found out something yesterday. You can plug your iPod into a XBOX 360 and play your music from there. I never knew that. My neighbour has an iPod touch and his one won’t do it. Something to do with the software needed to run it not being compatible. I have a 4th generation Nano, so mine works fine. Going to try my phone in a bit, see if that works on it. Yes it does work. Can view pictures, videos and listen to music from my Sony Ericsson K770i. Now what about a USB stick? Yep, that works too. Interesting. Useless though.

My daughter has her school prom tonight. She has her dress for it and it looks well nice. Then tomorrow she has her leaver’s assembly in the morning. My son has his last day tomorrow and my daughter has hers on Monday – but that’s a non uniform day. She’s a little peeved that her brother finishes before she does.

Horoscope:

You are in touch with a higher form of intelligence today and although it may be your own, it also could be from another dimension. If you believe in angels or spirit guides, then remain open to further instruction from them. If you do not, then at least trust your intuition now. Don’t try to rationalize what you seem to know; just act on it.

Maybe I can get help from them then. I sure as hell need it. A friend of mine told me how to speak to my angel, so I’m going to try that later, see what he says.

With everything that has gone on in the last nine months, I have no idea how I have survived or how I’m supposed to survive.  March was a pretty empty month for me. I stayed in most of the time. Just went to visit Lola a few times. I got Guitar Hero Aerosmith which was a bonus. But after I told my brother he went out and brought it too. A couple of weeks later, I brought Legends of Rock – Solus (the game on it’s own – no guitar). After mentioning it to my brother, he went out and brought it. So I played on that a lot. Then in April I took my son to visit my friends in Leicester which he thoroughly enjoyed. He wants to go back which I will do at some point. I’m hoping to take them both in the summer holidays.

We are in May now and I thought my life couldn’t get any worse. But apparently when you’re down there is always someone who comes along and kicks you in the teeth. There is something going on at the moment which I can’t go into detail about, but my brother is the cause of it. Well – I say my brother – I wouldn’t class him as that Not anymore. As far as I am concerned he can fuck off and die. If he was to die tomorrow I would only go to the funeral to spit on his grave.

I appear to have distanced myself too far from my friends and most of them don’t want to know me anymore. But I can see why. I spend most of my time moaning so they don’t want to know me. Best thing for me to do is to keep quiet. Will be better all round then.

After my wife left me, I had a serious issue with trust, but over the last couple of months, I felt that I should not tar everyone with the same brush. So I allowed some people in and started trusting them. That was a huge mistake. I confided in 3 people. One of them decided to spread it around. Then another one promised that a door was locked in an online game so that we could talk privately. And someone came walking walking in so I just dropped out by closing the browser before looking to see who it was. Trusting people is not a good idea.

I am going back to Leicester on Tuesday. I need to be repaired. I need to be strong for my kids, but I don’t know if I have the strength anymore. The one person who gave me the strength I need have their own issues now, and I can’t keep calling on them for help. I’ve probably already outstayed my emotional welcome and they need to get on with their own life. I can’t keep relying on other people, I’ll end up bringing them down as well, and I don’t want to do that. Everybody has their own problems they don’t need mine as well. Time I got on with things on my own I think.