It’s been a while since I blogged last, and boy have things changed. I think if it was possible, I would be swinging by the chandeliers at the moment. My last blog was very depressive – as have most of them for a while now, but things have happened because of the Angel reading that I did myself in October. One of the cards I got was “Michael’s Sword” and the meaning of it was that I was to picture a sword and cut ties between myself and someone that was hurting me mentally. I did that and it felt like a huge release. Allowed me to see things that had been there for a while but I was too blind to see.

When I went offline in July, I left a message on Facebook that if anyone wanted to stay in contact then they should let me have their MSN address. Almost as soon as I had posted this, I got a message from one person giving me their address so I added her to MSN. I had started talking to her originally on a friends page when we started to comment to each other on spousal abuse and the fact that both men and women suffer from it and it is unacceptable in any form whether it is mental or physical. After deactivating my account, this woman started talking to me nearly every day on MSN. She seemed to relate to my problems almost straight away, understanding where I was coming from and knowing what to say to help me out of the down times I was having.

Then I started getting texts off of her in the mornings saying “good morning”. I dismissed them at first as being sent to the wrong person. I started getting them regularly, and when I didn’t get one for a few days, I was really disappointed which did surprise me. We started texting more – talking on MSN, even when she had no internet connection. At one point through this, I hit an all time low, and there were two people who were there for me at all times. But this second one would text me when I needed it.

Then something very odd happened. She told me that someone had asked her out, and I was gutted. I kept trying to tell myself that she was too far out of the way for me anyway. Didn’t matter the fact that I had grown to like her. A lot. I was trying to tell myself that she was better off with this other person as he was closer to her. Over then next week or so, I tried to make my feelings known to her, but the answers I got weren’t straight yes or no answers so I didn’t know what she was saying. Then she started asking me similar questions, but I didn’t know what she was getting at, so I didn’t answer with yes or no. I was answering with questions.  Then at 3am on 1st November she asked me a question that could only be answered with a yes or a no. So I answered with a yes and found out that she had been wanting to say something for as long as I had. But we were both too scared to say anything.

I have seen her once so far, and I’m going back next Sunday to spend another three days with her. Liz is extremely special to me, and my kids like her, and her kids like me. Watch this space for more information.  Can’t wait to see her again. my heart skips beats just thinking about her. Love you baby. xxxx

It’s been over a year since my ex-wife moved out, and I have been trying to fathom why these last three months have been some of the worst. Then a couple of days ago I figured it out. I had been hiding. I know that sounds odd because I have been talking about everything a lot – maybe too much. I have been fairly happy for the first half of this year with a few down days – maybe a week, but on the whole I had been coping. Then in July everything went downhill fast. I will admit – I was suicidal twice since June, one time even phoning the undertakers to check on the price of funerals. I had just enough money to cover it but something happened that stopped me – but I won’t say what that was. I do, however, think it it had something to do with angels. Whether you believe in angels or not, they are around us – helping us – guiding us. But sometimes I think things get too much for them as well.

In this last week I have started on an upward trend again – not being quite so paranoid and accepting that there is a good reason for things to happen, not people going out of their way to avoid me or me upsetting people. I have started to realise that if someone is unhappy it’s not because of me. One of the things that helped me see this was being a rock for someone who was in desperate need of help and encouragement. Some of my humour has started to come back as well, although I very much doubt I will flirt for a very long time – maybe even put that part of me behind and leave it forever.

How I had been hiding was by going away every month to see friends and getting away from everything – the town, the people, everything that reminded me of the problems I was having. Now though, I haven’t been away for four months. It took me by surprise at how long it’s been, but these last months have been very slow motion for me with good news then bad news then good then bad plus feeling like utter crap because of how I know I had made people feel. I have now had ten weeks of counselling and I feel I am improving. I just hope that this is the way forward. I really don’t want to fall again as there’s only a certain amount of times that friends are willing to catch you. I do thank my friends for being there for me through all of this. This time I feel there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and not some sod turning the lights off and on.

I knew from about a week ago that today was not going to be an easy day. When I woke I was just going to try and focus on going to see my friend and seeing the counsellor. Today was the perfect day for seeing her. I spent a lot of the time with a lump in my throat and trying to keep my composure. It would not be good for my kids to see me lose the plot. Today of all days I did not want to be alone. I went to see my friend and chatted with her for a little while then left my kids with her while I went to see the counsellor. I must say that I managed to hold it together with the counsellor which does surprise me.

I went back to my friends for a couple of hours then took the kids home. Got a call from their mother to let me know that she would be up about 6 to pick them up. I did my daughter’s fingernails for her and then unplugged my son’s gamecube so he could take it with him. Then the kids’ mother came in and I just couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t tell you what she was wearing because I didn’t focus. I made her a coffee while the kids got the rest of their clothes to take to hers and work out what they were going to do so as they could work out what to take.

After they all left, I came back in and the TV was still on Kiss which is what my son was watching and it was “I am Eminem” on. The house seemed so empty. Worse than normal, and the lump in my throat just grew. I sat down just as Toy Soldiers came on. I don’t know if it was Makita, if it was the mix of Eminem and Makita, or if it was the video, but I just couldn’t stop crying. It has been a year since she told me she was leaving, and this nightmare still isn’t over. Today would have been my wedding anniversary and I have tried to hide how I am feeling all day, but I can’t hide it from myself.

Can I go home now? I’ve had enough of the real world. It’s big and nasty and I don’t like it.

This is the first of two postings that I am putting up today. The next post is about my day out yesterday.

These next few days are not going to be very good for me. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. It was this time last year that Talishia met Dave and changed my life completely in a bad way. I know she had a good reason to leave me, I know I was never the perfect husband, I know I could (can) be an arsehole, I know I am not a good person to be around, but it would have been nice to sit down and talk.I get told to put the past behind me, but when it is such a destructive change,  it is difficult to put it behind me. Maybe when the divivorce is finalised, then I can put everything behind me. I have done some stupid things since she left me as well. Mainly due to me becoming self-destructive but I hurt some good friends along the way. I am surprised at the amount of people who have wanted to carry on talking to me after I deactivated my facebook account. Although most people don’t know the real me, or they wouldn’t still be trying to talk to me. I am grateful to the people who have remained.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had gone up north to see my friends again. It was such a vivid dream. It felt so real. I was staying in the hotel that I had stayed in 3 times before. I got on the bus from St Margaret’s bus station and went over to see one of them, and the other friend turned up while I was there. It was a great day with the kids running in and out. Then when I woke up and realised it was just a dream, I just lay in bed crying. Same as I am while writing this. I want to get that friendship back, and I hope I can.

Horoscope:

Overcoming your self-doubt can be hard work for you, but today your brilliance can outshine any negativity. However, you can get into trouble if you lose sight of the impact your presence has on others. You may be able to talk yourself out of your insecurity, but then you could come on so strong that you overstep someone’s boundaries. A moderate approach that avoids extremes will work best for you now.

Had counselling yesterday – 21st July. Took the kids with me because there was no one else who could have them at the time. They stayed in the waiting room with a DS each while I went into the other room with my counsellor. Was difficult this week. Hoping that it’s going to improve over the next few weeks.

Dropped my phone again yesterday and have just ordered a new screen for it. Why didn’t I take out the accidental damage cover when I brought it?? Grrrr. Too late now tho. My daughter has said that I can borrow her phone until my one gets fixed, which was really nice of her.

Last 2 nights I have fallen asleep on the sofa. Tuesday morning my son came down and found me asleep, and last night I woke up 3am and decided to go to bed. Both times I had been watching 24 season 3. I think I should start watching them earlier in the evening rather than about 11pm.

Lost my internet AGAIN last night for hours. I really need to change providers. Waiting for my MAC from AOL, so that I can change. I have been having a shop around to see what I can get. BT offer my postcode up to 3mbps (megabits per second) where the average in the country is 5. I did a telephone number test and it said that I could only get 0.5mbps which is slightly faster than dial up, anmd I know I am getting faster than that. I have done a speed test:

This shows that I am getting a download of 2.28 megabits per second. So what do I do? Do I go for BT and hope that they can give me my 3mbps connection and get a wireless dongle for hotspots across the country so I can connect where I want to for free. Or do I go for Virgin Media where I get fibre optic broadband of up to 10mbps which is really fast – but no dongle. Arrrggghhhhh why isn’t anything easy?

My daughter had her leaver’s assembly on Friday morning, and I went to it. Was very moving. They had a slide show of all the year 6 kids through the years, and although my daughter has only been at the school for 2 years, the change they made in her was worth every day of it. They had a picture of her climbing through some tire rollers on their residential trip, and the head mistress said that she was very proud of my daughter because she would not give up until she was through the rollers. On Saturday morning, I took the children to get their ears pierced as a birthday present from their mum. My son happily had his ear pierced, but my daughter freaked out at the needle No matter how much we tried to convince her that it would be okay and it wouldn’t hurt, her memory of the last time she had it done got the better of her and she couldn’t go through with it.

……

Most people will know that I have not been having a great time of it recently. I did something that may well have cost me a very good friend, and that hurts like hell. I’m hopimg that when I get my life back on track that she can forgive me.

The problem with counselling is that it is a week between sessions, and now I really don’t like bugging other people with my problems. This was one of the reasons that put me in this situation in the first place, and I want out of it. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that we should have no regrets. Well, that’s not the case here. I have regrets, and if this all happened for a reason, it had better be a bloody good reason. I’m not going to say that I have had no control over what I did, because everybody has control, and everybody has the power to say no, even if saying no is one of the hardest things and you know that it is going to leave you in mental pain. Saying yes may seem like the right thing to do at the time, but look at the big picture – how much damage will saying yes do? In this case – a lot. The aftermath has been something akin to a nuke going off.

……

I will say, that when one of my friends spoke to me yesterday, it made me so happy. It meant a lot that she would speak to me. I actually slept better last night after we chatted on MSN, so thank you.

Counselling tomorrow. See what happens from that.

My daughter had her prom last night, and I must say, she looked fantastic.  I was going to take her down at 6.30, but when I went outside one of her school friends was there with her mum to pick up a neighbour’s kid, so she offered to take my daughter down as well, and bring her back afterwards. That saved hers and my legs. A friend who is a professional hairdresser came and did her hair for her, and her sister did the make-up. I was the proudest dad possible last night. When my daughter got home, she said that she had had a great time, so that was brilliant.

I posted a tweet last night that I thought that there was a storm coming. Boy was it good. It was overhead and the light display was incredible. It lasted for a good 2 hours, and I did video some of it. Sad I know, and all I’ll probably do with them is delete them. I would upload them but they do seem rather large and wouldn’t be interesting.

Horoscope:

Your intuition may lead you into unfamiliar territory today where unexpected events can further complicate your life. Although you are intrigued by the mystery of how everything in your life fits together now, you still must stay focused on the specific tasks at hand. Rely on your common sense to bring you back to reality so you can get your work done in time.

Oooh my life is going to get complicated! How interesting.

Woke up this morning with stomach cramps at about 6. Took about half hour to subside then I dozed off back to sleep again seeing as I didn’t have the kids. I get them back tonight. Got up about 7.30 so that I could say hi to them before they wemt to school.

Found out something yesterday. You can plug your iPod into a XBOX 360 and play your music from there. I never knew that. My neighbour has an iPod touch and his one won’t do it. Something to do with the software needed to run it not being compatible. I have a 4th generation Nano, so mine works fine. Going to try my phone in a bit, see if that works on it. Yes it does work. Can view pictures, videos and listen to music from my Sony Ericsson K770i. Now what about a USB stick? Yep, that works too. Interesting. Useless though.

My daughter has her school prom tonight. She has her dress for it and it looks well nice. Then tomorrow she has her leaver’s assembly in the morning. My son has his last day tomorrow and my daughter has hers on Monday – but that’s a non uniform day. She’s a little peeved that her brother finishes before she does.

Horoscope:

You are in touch with a higher form of intelligence today and although it may be your own, it also could be from another dimension. If you believe in angels or spirit guides, then remain open to further instruction from them. If you do not, then at least trust your intuition now. Don’t try to rationalize what you seem to know; just act on it.

Maybe I can get help from them then. I sure as hell need it. A friend of mine told me how to speak to my angel, so I’m going to try that later, see what he says.