It’s been a while since I blogged last, and boy have things changed. I think if it was possible, I would be swinging by the chandeliers at the moment. My last blog was very depressive – as have most of them for a while now, but things have happened because of the Angel reading that I did myself in October. One of the cards I got was “Michael’s Sword” and the meaning of it was that I was to picture a sword and cut ties between myself and someone that was hurting me mentally. I did that and it felt like a huge release. Allowed me to see things that had been there for a while but I was too blind to see.

When I went offline in July, I left a message on Facebook that if anyone wanted to stay in contact then they should let me have their MSN address. Almost as soon as I had posted this, I got a message from one person giving me their address so I added her to MSN. I had started talking to her originally on a friends page when we started to comment to each other on spousal abuse and the fact that both men and women suffer from it and it is unacceptable in any form whether it is mental or physical. After deactivating my account, this woman started talking to me nearly every day on MSN. She seemed to relate to my problems almost straight away, understanding where I was coming from and knowing what to say to help me out of the down times I was having.

Then I started getting texts off of her in the mornings saying “good morning”. I dismissed them at first as being sent to the wrong person. I started getting them regularly, and when I didn’t get one for a few days, I was really disappointed which did surprise me. We started texting more – talking on MSN, even when she had no internet connection. At one point through this, I hit an all time low, and there were two people who were there for me at all times. But this second one would text me when I needed it.

Then something very odd happened. She told me that someone had asked her out, and I was gutted. I kept trying to tell myself that she was too far out of the way for me anyway. Didn’t matter the fact that I had grown to like her. A lot. I was trying to tell myself that she was better off with this other person as he was closer to her. Over then next week or so, I tried to make my feelings known to her, but the answers I got weren’t straight yes or no answers so I didn’t know what she was saying. Then she started asking me similar questions, but I didn’t know what she was getting at, so I didn’t answer with yes or no. I was answering with questions.  Then at 3am on 1st November she asked me a question that could only be answered with a yes or a no. So I answered with a yes and found out that she had been wanting to say something for as long as I had. But we were both too scared to say anything.

I have seen her once so far, and I’m going back next Sunday to spend another three days with her. Liz is extremely special to me, and my kids like her, and her kids like me. Watch this space for more information.  Can’t wait to see her again. my heart skips beats just thinking about her. Love you baby. xxxx

It’s been over a year since my ex-wife moved out, and I have been trying to fathom why these last three months have been some of the worst. Then a couple of days ago I figured it out. I had been hiding. I know that sounds odd because I have been talking about everything a lot – maybe too much. I have been fairly happy for the first half of this year with a few down days – maybe a week, but on the whole I had been coping. Then in July everything went downhill fast. I will admit – I was suicidal twice since June, one time even phoning the undertakers to check on the price of funerals. I had just enough money to cover it but something happened that stopped me – but I won’t say what that was. I do, however, think it it had something to do with angels. Whether you believe in angels or not, they are around us – helping us – guiding us. But sometimes I think things get too much for them as well.

In this last week I have started on an upward trend again – not being quite so paranoid and accepting that there is a good reason for things to happen, not people going out of their way to avoid me or me upsetting people. I have started to realise that if someone is unhappy it’s not because of me. One of the things that helped me see this was being a rock for someone who was in desperate need of help and encouragement. Some of my humour has started to come back as well, although I very much doubt I will flirt for a very long time – maybe even put that part of me behind and leave it forever.

How I had been hiding was by going away every month to see friends and getting away from everything – the town, the people, everything that reminded me of the problems I was having. Now though, I haven’t been away for four months. It took me by surprise at how long it’s been, but these last months have been very slow motion for me with good news then bad news then good then bad plus feeling like utter crap because of how I know I had made people feel. I have now had ten weeks of counselling and I feel I am improving. I just hope that this is the way forward. I really don’t want to fall again as there’s only a certain amount of times that friends are willing to catch you. I do thank my friends for being there for me through all of this. This time I feel there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and not some sod turning the lights off and on.

I know that everything happens for a reason, I have said this before and I truly believe that. We also each have a destiny in life. We have a point that we will get to in our life which is the end. How we get there is up to us, but there are points in our life that we must go through. These points are static and cannot be changed. I have had some of these points that I know of in my life – and I thought I would share them – missing out names of course and not necessarily in the same order that I have encountered them.

I met another father when I took my kids to school – I had seen him a few times before in a local shop as he was easily recognisable – and got chatting with him. I go to know him as a friend and my ex-wife got to know his wife and we became good friends. Years down the line both couples split. He was told that I slept with his wife (which I have never done and never will) and he stopped speaking to me. Myself and his wife helped each other through the initial split which lessened the pain at the start.

I was introduced to somone online through my ex-wife and I created a social networking account to talk to this person and help this person solve technical issues with their computer. This was another person who helped me through the early stages of my split – although this I believe is not the reason that I started speaking to them. They live in a different county to me. I started talking to this person more and more and they introduced me online to another of their friends. I spoke to both of them, although they had not spoken to each other face to face for quite a long time. After chatting for a couple of months and myself talking to the pair of them, they now see each other weekly, sometimes more than once a week. This, I think, was one of the reasons for me talking to this person.

When I was 22 I got into the drugs scene, and was introduced to someone who later became a friend. This friend introduced me to another one who used to do roleplaying. So I started roleplaying on a Sunday – every week. After several years this mate joined a band which sometimes did practice on a Sunday. One Sunday I went to this mate’s house for roleplaying and there was several other people there who were in the band. As soon as I saw one of them, I asked another mate if she was with anyone. Well – eventually I married her and we had 2 kids together.

I was going to my friends house for role-playing and I saw a car coming down the road. It swerved a couple of times before mounting the pavement and making contact with a lamp post lifting the back of the car slightly and causing the lamp post to bend. At this point I was standing beside a phone box, so I quickly dialled 999 and directed the emergency services to the scene, and then ran to the car and talked to all of the passengers to make them comfortable before the emergency services arrived.

These are just 4 points that I have gone through that have been essential in my life as well as other people’s. The first person was so that we could help each other through splits, the second was to bring 2 friends back together again, and the last was so that I could have 2 wonderful kids. This is why everything we say and do has an effect, some large and some small. So remember – when you start talking to someone, there may be a specific reason you have started talking to them. Alternatively it could be one of them points where you are just meandering through life.

I knew from about a week ago that today was not going to be an easy day. When I woke I was just going to try and focus on going to see my friend and seeing the counsellor. Today was the perfect day for seeing her. I spent a lot of the time with a lump in my throat and trying to keep my composure. It would not be good for my kids to see me lose the plot. Today of all days I did not want to be alone. I went to see my friend and chatted with her for a little while then left my kids with her while I went to see the counsellor. I must say that I managed to hold it together with the counsellor which does surprise me.

I went back to my friends for a couple of hours then took the kids home. Got a call from their mother to let me know that she would be up about 6 to pick them up. I did my daughter’s fingernails for her and then unplugged my son’s gamecube so he could take it with him. Then the kids’ mother came in and I just couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t tell you what she was wearing because I didn’t focus. I made her a coffee while the kids got the rest of their clothes to take to hers and work out what they were going to do so as they could work out what to take.

After they all left, I came back in and the TV was still on Kiss which is what my son was watching and it was “I am Eminem” on. The house seemed so empty. Worse than normal, and the lump in my throat just grew. I sat down just as Toy Soldiers came on. I don’t know if it was Makita, if it was the mix of Eminem and Makita, or if it was the video, but I just couldn’t stop crying. It has been a year since she told me she was leaving, and this nightmare still isn’t over. Today would have been my wedding anniversary and I have tried to hide how I am feeling all day, but I can’t hide it from myself.

Can I go home now? I’ve had enough of the real world. It’s big and nasty and I don’t like it.

My son is off the hook. With everything that has been going on with him in the last couple of months, he is now able to enjoy his summer holiday with out any worries. I know that seems cryptic, but those who know me will know what I mean as I can’t go into detail.

My divorce has been postponed slightly. The solicitor forgot to tell me not to date the letter that she sent me for the Decree Absolute, so I have had to do another one of those. She sent it to me the day before it was supposed to be sent to the judge which means that my letter from the DSS was out of date as it has to be within one month of the date on the letter so that I can get my financial assistance and not pay for the divorce. I am hoping that it will be through within 2 weeks. KNowing my luck though it will come through on the 18th August – what would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.

These last 12 months have been hell for me. I have made some new friends who have supported me through this, and without them, I wouldn’t be here now. I want to thank my 2 friends in Leicester, my friend in Oxford, one in Cumbria, one in north Kent and a couple of friends in Folkestone who have been at my side in a manner of speaking through this hell and not left me even when it would have been easier for them to walk away than to stay. I know I have been a complete shit at times, and done some stuff that I shouldn’t have done. It would be easy to  blame other people for the situation, but I know for the most part it has been my own doing – after all, if I had not been in the picture it wouldn’t have happened. This is almost behind me now. I am near enough back in control of my life and ready to move forward once the divorce is over. I have a new book that was suggested to me by a friend in Hemel (soon to be in Ireland) called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers which is sort of a self help book that I am hoping will also help me. I’m not going to say that the next twelve months can’t possibly be any worse, as I said that in December and they did get worse. But I’m looking at the next 12 months with optimism.

I have been keeping an eye on my horoscope of the last week or so and oddly some of it has been quite accurate. Talking about secrets that I can’t tell. Thursday’s one said that I would have some life changing news – and I got a call about my son. A few days ago it said that I would be wise to not look for love at the moment (too true on that one). At least I have reasons to smile now and who knows – maybe facebook will be back on within the month.

Horoscope: Sensual Venus in your sign can amplify your desires, yet her current opposition to secretive Pluto could make it tough for you to share what’s on your mind. You might feel as if you are trapped now and cannot find a path to satisfaction. Don’t give up; keeping your needs hidden is a mistake, but blaming someone else for your current difficulty is even worse. Speaking from your heart and taking full responsibility for your own emotions can open the right door at the right time.

Hmmm, maybe I should have read that before writing the blog.

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had gone up north to see my friends again. It was such a vivid dream. It felt so real. I was staying in the hotel that I had stayed in 3 times before. I got on the bus from St Margaret’s bus station and went over to see one of them, and the other friend turned up while I was there. It was a great day with the kids running in and out. Then when I woke up and realised it was just a dream, I just lay in bed crying. Same as I am while writing this. I want to get that friendship back, and I hope I can.

Horoscope:

Overcoming your self-doubt can be hard work for you, but today your brilliance can outshine any negativity. However, you can get into trouble if you lose sight of the impact your presence has on others. You may be able to talk yourself out of your insecurity, but then you could come on so strong that you overstep someone’s boundaries. A moderate approach that avoids extremes will work best for you now.

Had counselling yesterday – 21st July. Took the kids with me because there was no one else who could have them at the time. They stayed in the waiting room with a DS each while I went into the other room with my counsellor. Was difficult this week. Hoping that it’s going to improve over the next few weeks.

Dropped my phone again yesterday and have just ordered a new screen for it. Why didn’t I take out the accidental damage cover when I brought it?? Grrrr. Too late now tho. My daughter has said that I can borrow her phone until my one gets fixed, which was really nice of her.

Last 2 nights I have fallen asleep on the sofa. Tuesday morning my son came down and found me asleep, and last night I woke up 3am and decided to go to bed. Both times I had been watching 24 season 3. I think I should start watching them earlier in the evening rather than about 11pm.

Lost my internet AGAIN last night for hours. I really need to change providers. Waiting for my MAC from AOL, so that I can change. I have been having a shop around to see what I can get. BT offer my postcode up to 3mbps (megabits per second) where the average in the country is 5. I did a telephone number test and it said that I could only get 0.5mbps which is slightly faster than dial up, anmd I know I am getting faster than that. I have done a speed test:

This shows that I am getting a download of 2.28 megabits per second. So what do I do? Do I go for BT and hope that they can give me my 3mbps connection and get a wireless dongle for hotspots across the country so I can connect where I want to for free. Or do I go for Virgin Media where I get fibre optic broadband of up to 10mbps which is really fast – but no dongle. Arrrggghhhhh why isn’t anything easy?

My daughter had her leaver’s assembly on Friday morning, and I went to it. Was very moving. They had a slide show of all the year 6 kids through the years, and although my daughter has only been at the school for 2 years, the change they made in her was worth every day of it. They had a picture of her climbing through some tire rollers on their residential trip, and the head mistress said that she was very proud of my daughter because she would not give up until she was through the rollers. On Saturday morning, I took the children to get their ears pierced as a birthday present from their mum. My son happily had his ear pierced, but my daughter freaked out at the needle No matter how much we tried to convince her that it would be okay and it wouldn’t hurt, her memory of the last time she had it done got the better of her and she couldn’t go through with it.

……

Most people will know that I have not been having a great time of it recently. I did something that may well have cost me a very good friend, and that hurts like hell. I’m hopimg that when I get my life back on track that she can forgive me.

The problem with counselling is that it is a week between sessions, and now I really don’t like bugging other people with my problems. This was one of the reasons that put me in this situation in the first place, and I want out of it. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that we should have no regrets. Well, that’s not the case here. I have regrets, and if this all happened for a reason, it had better be a bloody good reason. I’m not going to say that I have had no control over what I did, because everybody has control, and everybody has the power to say no, even if saying no is one of the hardest things and you know that it is going to leave you in mental pain. Saying yes may seem like the right thing to do at the time, but look at the big picture – how much damage will saying yes do? In this case – a lot. The aftermath has been something akin to a nuke going off.

……

I will say, that when one of my friends spoke to me yesterday, it made me so happy. It meant a lot that she would speak to me. I actually slept better last night after we chatted on MSN, so thank you.

Counselling tomorrow. See what happens from that.

My daughter had her prom last night, and I must say, she looked fantastic.  I was going to take her down at 6.30, but when I went outside one of her school friends was there with her mum to pick up a neighbour’s kid, so she offered to take my daughter down as well, and bring her back afterwards. That saved hers and my legs. A friend who is a professional hairdresser came and did her hair for her, and her sister did the make-up. I was the proudest dad possible last night. When my daughter got home, she said that she had had a great time, so that was brilliant.

I posted a tweet last night that I thought that there was a storm coming. Boy was it good. It was overhead and the light display was incredible. It lasted for a good 2 hours, and I did video some of it. Sad I know, and all I’ll probably do with them is delete them. I would upload them but they do seem rather large and wouldn’t be interesting.

Horoscope:

Your intuition may lead you into unfamiliar territory today where unexpected events can further complicate your life. Although you are intrigued by the mystery of how everything in your life fits together now, you still must stay focused on the specific tasks at hand. Rely on your common sense to bring you back to reality so you can get your work done in time.

Oooh my life is going to get complicated! How interesting.

Woke up this morning with stomach cramps at about 6. Took about half hour to subside then I dozed off back to sleep again seeing as I didn’t have the kids. I get them back tonight. Got up about 7.30 so that I could say hi to them before they wemt to school.

Found out something yesterday. You can plug your iPod into a XBOX 360 and play your music from there. I never knew that. My neighbour has an iPod touch and his one won’t do it. Something to do with the software needed to run it not being compatible. I have a 4th generation Nano, so mine works fine. Going to try my phone in a bit, see if that works on it. Yes it does work. Can view pictures, videos and listen to music from my Sony Ericsson K770i. Now what about a USB stick? Yep, that works too. Interesting. Useless though.

My daughter has her school prom tonight. She has her dress for it and it looks well nice. Then tomorrow she has her leaver’s assembly in the morning. My son has his last day tomorrow and my daughter has hers on Monday – but that’s a non uniform day. She’s a little peeved that her brother finishes before she does.

Horoscope:

You are in touch with a higher form of intelligence today and although it may be your own, it also could be from another dimension. If you believe in angels or spirit guides, then remain open to further instruction from them. If you do not, then at least trust your intuition now. Don’t try to rationalize what you seem to know; just act on it.

Maybe I can get help from them then. I sure as hell need it. A friend of mine told me how to speak to my angel, so I’m going to try that later, see what he says.