To hide or not to hide

October 26, 2009 in Health, Home, Life, friends

It’s been over a year since my ex-wife moved out, and I have been trying to fathom why these last three months have been some of the worst. Then a couple of days ago I figured it out. I had been hiding. I know that sounds odd because I have been talking about everything a lot – maybe too much. I have been fairly happy for the first half of this year with a few down days – maybe a week, but on the whole I had been coping. Then in July everything went downhill fast. I will admit – I was suicidal twice since June, one time even phoning the undertakers to check on the price of funerals. I had just enough money to cover it but something happened that stopped me – but I won’t say what that was. I do, however, think it it had something to do with angels. Whether you believe in angels or not, they are around us – helping us – guiding us. But sometimes I think things get too much for them as well.

In this last week I have started on an upward trend again – not being quite so paranoid and accepting that there is a good reason for things to happen, not people going out of their way to avoid me or me upsetting people. I have started to realise that if someone is unhappy it’s not because of me. One of the things that helped me see this was being a rock for someone who was in desperate need of help and encouragement. Some of my humour has started to come back as well, although I very much doubt I will flirt for a very long time – maybe even put that part of me behind and leave it forever.

How I had been hiding was by going away every month to see friends and getting away from everything – the town, the people, everything that reminded me of the problems I was having. Now though, I haven’t been away for four months. It took me by surprise at how long it’s been, but these last months have been very slow motion for me with good news then bad news then good then bad plus feeling like utter crap because of how I know I had made people feel. I have now had ten weeks of counselling and I feel I am improving. I just hope that this is the way forward. I really don’t want to fall again as there’s only a certain amount of times that friends are willing to catch you. I do thank my friends for being there for me through all of this. This time I feel there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and not some sod turning the lights off and on.