I knew from about a week ago that today was not going to be an easy day. When I woke I was just going to try and focus on going to see my friend and seeing the counsellor. Today was the perfect day for seeing her. I spent a lot of the time with a lump in my throat and trying to keep my composure. It would not be good for my kids to see me lose the plot. Today of all days I did not want to be alone. I went to see my friend and chatted with her for a little while then left my kids with her while I went to see the counsellor. I must say that I managed to hold it together with the counsellor which does surprise me.
I went back to my friends for a couple of hours then took the kids home. Got a call from their mother to let me know that she would be up about 6 to pick them up. I did my daughter’s fingernails for her and then unplugged my son’s gamecube so he could take it with him. Then the kids’ mother came in and I just couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t tell you what she was wearing because I didn’t focus. I made her a coffee while the kids got the rest of their clothes to take to hers and work out what they were going to do so as they could work out what to take.
After they all left, I came back in and the TV was still on Kiss which is what my son was watching and it was “I am Eminem” on. The house seemed so empty. Worse than normal, and the lump in my throat just grew. I sat down just as Toy Soldiers came on. I don’t know if it was Makita, if it was the mix of Eminem and Makita, or if it was the video, but I just couldn’t stop crying. It has been a year since she told me she was leaving, and this nightmare still isn’t over. Today would have been my wedding anniversary and I have tried to hide how I am feeling all day, but I can’t hide it from myself.
Can I go home now? I’ve had enough of the real world. It’s big and nasty and I don’t like it.
August 18, 2009 at 21:28
As much as Tali leaving has hurt you please remember that it’s not the end of the world. I know how much a loved one leaving for somebody else hurts. It took me a good number of years to get over it. It took me the best part of 10 years before I dipped my toes back into the pond with Amanda. Although, my choices can’t always be relied upon…
It gets better and it gets easier. Concentrate on the positives!
You have 2 wonderful kids that are going to grow up into fine adults. I have watched from afar as they have grown from young kids into teenagers and feel confident their growth will continue. Although I don’t see you or your kids as much as I would like; the times that I do reinforces this belief. You have done an excellent job of instilling such excellent values and morals into them.
As for yourself. I consider you to be one of my best friends. Somebody I would be willing to confide in; somebody I would drive halfway across the country to help and somebody that I think has such a strong moral grounding.
You also have a good network of friends that will support you. Yes, you may feel that you’ve driven some of them away. But, you’d be amazed at how resiliant the bonds of friendship can be.
Trust your kids, trust your friends and, most importantly, trust yourself. Don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t be afraid to curse. Don’t be afraid to tell it like it is. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Most importantly, don’t let it burden you down.
It may be helpful to write down or type everything in a letter. You don’t have to post it. Just go through the process of writing it.
Remember, you have friends.
Alternately; feel free to tell me to sgut the f**k up…
August 18, 2009 at 21:32
Thanks mate. That means a lot.
August 18, 2009 at 21:58
{{{hugs}}}}
Will e-mail you
August 18, 2009 at 22:13
Heck I remember when things ended with Sheila. You may remember that… all the way back in the day. It took me quite a while to get over it all. There was a silver lining though… I met Joannah and now live in the US. The tough days are meant to be difficult, if you didn’t have them you’d never know why you should feel so happy on the good days. In time, things will get better. No consolation for today I know, but tomorrow is a new day and you never know what is right round the corner. She may be quite hot!!! =)
August 18, 2009 at 22:30
I’ve had some good points through this last 12 months. I’ve made some new friends because of it. Tomorrow will be easier for me, I know it will. Next year will be easier I know.
August 19, 2009 at 12:46
sorry i cudnt get to reply yesterday..but as u know my server is down and i have one of those dongle thingys…which is ok but a little slow and intermittantly dies (i hate that) so i have to say im losing my patience a little so not spending much time on the net. i hope today is a betta day for u ..and as u know u can chat to me on msn ( maybe not at the minute..no proper internet) and im always on fb if u come bak
take care chat soon xx
August 19, 2009 at 14:38
I’ll be back on FB soon. Either by the end of August or the beginning of September. Today has been a much better day for me. I think my wedding anniversary getting closer was what was pushing me over the edge a bit.
Thanks