May…

May 17, 2009 in Health, Home, Kids, Life, family, friends

With everything that has gone on in the last nine months, I have no idea how I have survived or how I’m supposed to survive.  March was a pretty empty month for me. I stayed in most of the time. Just went to visit Lola a few times. I got Guitar Hero Aerosmith which was a bonus. But after I told my brother he went out and brought it too. A couple of weeks later, I brought Legends of Rock – Solus (the game on it’s own – no guitar). After mentioning it to my brother, he went out and brought it. So I played on that a lot. Then in April I took my son to visit my friends in Leicester which he thoroughly enjoyed. He wants to go back which I will do at some point. I’m hoping to take them both in the summer holidays.

We are in May now and I thought my life couldn’t get any worse. But apparently when you’re down there is always someone who comes along and kicks you in the teeth. There is something going on at the moment which I can’t go into detail about, but my brother is the cause of it. Well – I say my brother – I wouldn’t class him as that Not anymore. As far as I am concerned he can fuck off and die. If he was to die tomorrow I would only go to the funeral to spit on his grave.

I appear to have distanced myself too far from my friends and most of them don’t want to know me anymore. But I can see why. I spend most of my time moaning so they don’t want to know me. Best thing for me to do is to keep quiet. Will be better all round then.

After my wife left me, I had a serious issue with trust, but over the last couple of months, I felt that I should not tar everyone with the same brush. So I allowed some people in and started trusting them. That was a huge mistake. I confided in 3 people. One of them decided to spread it around. Then another one promised that a door was locked in an online game so that we could talk privately. And someone came walking walking in so I just dropped out by closing the browser before looking to see who it was. Trusting people is not a good idea.

I am going back to Leicester on Tuesday. I need to be repaired. I need to be strong for my kids, but I don’t know if I have the strength anymore. The one person who gave me the strength I need have their own issues now, and I can’t keep calling on them for help. I’ve probably already outstayed my emotional welcome and they need to get on with their own life. I can’t keep relying on other people, I’ll end up bringing them down as well, and I don’t want to do that. Everybody has their own problems they don’t need mine as well. Time I got on with things on my own I think.